Tags: karaoke song, music, writer's block
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: None

Tags: pickup artist, writer's block
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Radio... 92.5... some stupid song

Tags: 5 video games, entertainment, writer's block
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Radio 92.5 some stupid song

 I want to be perfect.
Why can't I look like her.
I'm disgusting.
Ugly, fat, weak.
I must have control.
Only I have the power.
I want the unattainable.
I hate my self.
And I hate my mirror.
I hate my scale.
I must become thinner.
The pain is hardly there anymore.
If I can just push myself a little bit more.
I want my only imperfection to be my disorder.

Current Location: At home, in bed.
Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: None

I've been suffering from low self esteem my entire life. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, and mild OCD. I've had suicidal thoughts for years and years. On and off different meds and in and out of different therapist's offices. School made everything worse. I started cutting in 9th or 10th grade and entered treatment for that. Things got better for a bit. In the 11th grade my anxiety got so bad I couldn't even go to school. I missed an entire semester and finally got back on track when I enrolled in an alternative school. I did great for a while and then I went down again. This time with drug and alcohol abuse. I got expelled my senior year. But I got up again. I got my GED and started college. Down again....I dropped college due to anxiety and depression and because I don't really know if it's what I want. My life is so full of ups and downs. GOSH!

I don't think I've ever told anyone besides my mom just how much I hate my body. I've hated my body ever since I can remember. I've always been the overweight girl compared to my friends. It got pretty bad after I hit puberty which was really early. I was nine. All my friends got to wear these really cute clothes and I couldn't because I was too big. I hate swim suit shopping more than I can possibly tell you. The humiliation of buying something marked "XL," or the frustration that the cute swimsuits aren't made for me. I used to lie about my pant size if anyone would ask me because I ws so embarassed. How would you feel if your had to disguise what you ate for lunch because you didn't want any of your fellow seventh grade classmates to know you weren't drinking chocolate milk it was SlimFast. Most of my life I've worn baggy t-shirts and jeans and isolated myself to avoid judgement.

I've always been obsessed with wanting to lose weight. All I feel is guilt when I eat something even if it's the only thing I've eaten in two days. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly being so open about this. I don't want anyone's help or sympathy. I'm clearly well overweight but I do have some sort of eating disorder with anorexic characteristics. But I am in no way thin. Recently it's gotten worse just suddenly. I just feel better finally putting this out there. I want it off my chest. I just want people to know and I want to talk to other people with the same problem. I really wanted to just pour my heart out.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: none